No Heroes Welcome for us

I realize I haven't updated this blog in a long long time. That is how crazy and hectic our life has been. Let me explain. This gets long by the way (another sign I should blog more often rather than saving it all up for once!).

The last time I blogged it was after Nick's R&R. Things in our life pretty much went haywire after that.

A little background, Nick came back from his first Iraq deployment with a back injury. He did physical therapy, steroid injections and finally, it was being maintained by a whole slew of medication. He wasn't 100%, but he was fit for deployment.

Back in April, before his R&R, he had an increase in pain. He went to the medics, who gave him the option of being sent to Landstuhl for an MRI to see if the damage to his back (herniated disc) was worse. They said if it showed worse damage, there was a possibility they would ship him back to the states for surgery. He declined. He didn't want to leave his soldiers, his place right now was in Iraq, and he wanted to do his job and be where he was supposed to be. He opted instead for some more therapy, TENS and traction. That seemed to do the trick, and he trucked on.

Fast forward to....hmmmm.....maybe it was the middle of May? (The last few months have been a fast blur!) He woke up one day and could no longer feel his left foot. He drug himself around like that for a while, and then finally went to the medics. The decision was made to medicate him even more heavily, and send him to Landstuhl for that MRI. So, the last week of May, he was medevaced out of theater. First to Balad, where they gave him some more medication and a cane to assist his walking. Then he went to Landstuhl. From there, everything happened at an alarmingly quick rate. The neurosurgeon took one look at his OLD MRI (taken before he deployed) and asked him how he was deployed in the first place (it's all a numbers game) and told him he'd need surgery.

He was there less than 48 hours when they medevaced him out. We were told he would go to Andrews AFB, then to Ft. Gordon and then hopefully home. That didn't quite happen. He went to Andrews and spent a night, then Ft. Gordon (in Augusta, about 3 hours from home) and there he stayed. He was attached to the Warrior Transition Unit there, and was to remain there for surgery. It was the first week of June. A very dear and wonderful friend kept the girls for a week and I went out to be with him.

From then til now, it has been a very stressful time for our family. It has involved a ton of driving back and forth between here and Augusta (6 hours round trip) and besides putting 5,000 + miles on the van, it has been countless hours driving in the car, and tons of extra gas and travel costs. I have been blessed and a great friend has been watching the girls for most of these trips back and forth, so they are not subjected to 6 hours in the car. Without them, I can usually make it one drive w/o stopping, but with them, we end up having to make 1-2 potty stops each way.

We have been able to bring him home for long weekends, and he was able to take some leave before surgery, but those have not been blissful reconnecting visits for our family. He was in pain, hurting, waiting for surgery.

Nick had surgery on August 3. My wonderful sister-in-law and brother-in-law (Leanna and Brian) came out to be with the girls here at our house while I traveled up there for his surgery. That was such a huge blessing, knowing that the girls could stay in the comfort of our own home (making it less stressful for them) and that they were safe and well taken care of so I could just focus on being there for Nick, well, it was truly a gift to us.

Nick had 30 days of convalescent leave, but again, this was painful recovery from surgery, and heavily medicated to boot. It was hard seeing him recover and be in pain and not able to enjoy his time home. Then it was back to Augusta where he's been ever since, waiting on a transfer to the Warrior Transition Unit here at Fort Stewart. It has been 4 very long months. We've been able to bring him home a couple of weekends a month, but it has not been easy, and has really put us in a financial tight spot. His lodging has been covered while he has been there, but after the first 15 days, food has not. We are essentially maintaining 2 households, which has been very difficult money-wise.

Honestly, this has been way harder on our family than the deployment was. This constant back and forth has wreaked havoc on the girls. The older ones understand more, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. The younger ones have been acting out and very emotional. Poor Evy has probably had it the hardest. The last time we brought Nick home was the weekend of Juliette's birthday. The night he got home, we were getting the girls ready for bed, and she started crying and sobbing, "I don't want Daddy to leave again!" And he had just gotten home. Now when she sees him, she associates it with him leaving again, right off the bat. It's hard to see your child go through that, especially when she is too young to have an understanding of what is going on.

Having him 3 hours away, as backwards as it sounds, it is a lot harder than having him in Iraq was. I have gotten advice to just pretend he is still deployed. It doesn't work that way, nor do I think it is healthy to disillusion myself into thinking something that is not true and to not deal with those emotions, pretending they do not exist. I have also heard the "well, you should just be thankful that he is home and is okay." Of course I am thankful, more so than I can express. However, that doesn't stop the fact that this has been so hard. Sometimes I feel invalidated. I just want someone to understand. But honestly, I don't know anyone who has been through this. I sometimes feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like we are in no-man's land. I am no longer the spouse of a deployed soldier (uncomfortable hat, but it was an old one that I wore easily). I am an Army wife still, but my husband isn't home, isn't in training, isn't TDY, isn't on an unaccompanied tour (other hats I know well). I don't know any other spouse who is sitting waiting while her husband is being treated medically 3 hours from home, for 4 months and running, and oh, throw in the fact that there is a possibility when all is said and done that he will not be allowed to remain in the Army. It's hard. Emotionally, financially, mentally, you name it, it has been hard.

Now, to the point of my post (finally, lol). Soldiers are starting to come home now and I am seeing lots of pictures and posts from my friends about their soldier's homecoming. Seeing those pictures of waiting on the field for their soldier, seeing the pictures of the families being reunited, it's so heart touching. I have taken to keeping Kleenex on my desk, because I know I will cry every.single.time. I am so incredibly happy for them.

But then, where does that leave me? (I know this next part sounds incredibly selfish, and I don't mean for it to be, but truthfully, this whole experience has affected me so deeply, and I have no skill set for dealing with this. I am not begrudging my friends who are getting their homecoming at all. I am ecstatic for them, and have shed tears of happiness and joy for them. Just a disclaimer, lest this next part be taken the wrong way.) My husband deployed too, but there is no field for us to walk on to and await his homecoming. Anyone who has ever been to one of those homecoming ceremonies knows how emotional and energetic it is. It is the culmination you have been waiting for the entire deployment. You wait, tension builds, they announce that the buses have arrived, and then you see your soldier march out and you cannot wait to physically have him/her in your arms. They release them and you watch your children's hearts magically start to mend before your eyes as your family is whole again.

That field. Before the deployment, I'd look at that field as I drove by with disgust and disdain. It represented having to be apart from my soldier, my best friend, for a year. Then after he deployed, as I drove by, I'd look at it longingly, knowing that as the days counted by, it got closer to my turn to be on that field waiting for Nick to come home. Now I drive by and I feel sad. We won't get that sweet, blissful homecoming. I almost feel like we've been robbed of it. Nick's coming back to the states has been surrounded by chaos and stress. There has been no relief, no excitement, no feeling of being done or accomplishment. He still isn't even truly home yet! His unit has not contacted him once to see if he is okay, how his surgery went, if he is recovering. The only contact he has had is from someone bugging his case manager to find out when he will be fit for duty again (which is info. that can't even be released due to HIPPA). There is no concern for his well-being. Again, he is just a number. I have no had no contact from the unit's FRG to see if the girls and I are holding up okay, and if we need anything. Nothing at all. And I know for a fact that the FRG leader knows. They haven't even shipped his stuff out of Iraq yet, and he's been back in the states for over 4 months. This leaves me feeling lost, yet again.

And when the time comes for him to be able to be released back to his unit, there won't be any pat on the back and good game for him. "They" can say all they want that soldiers on rear detachment, or soldiers that come back early for whatever reason, don't get treated as any less of a good soldier by their unit, but many of us know that isn't true. You suffer an injury, and you automatically get a label as being "less than" those who were able to complete their deployment. I have seen it happen time and time again, and chances are, if you are a military spouse, or a soldier, you have too. My soldier is not any less honorable, or less dedicated or less devoted because the physical wear and tear he has put on his body in his last 10 years of serving his country finally reached the point where it caused him to have surgery to correct it. And this surgery? Yes, it is working, yes he is in a lot better shape pain wise and ability wise than before, but it does not correct his back 100%. His back will never be the same again. So he has suffered all this, to potentially be treated like a second class citizen.

Nick is at the point where it doesn't bother him. He knows he still has his integrity, he knows he didn't choose this, and that this decision was made for him. He spent a good bit after he came back feeling guilty for being medevaced home, and for not being there with his soldiers doing his job in Iraq. He got past that and moved on. I have too, but my heart still hurts for what I know is coming.

So, no Heroes Welcome home for us. Yet, I will still make the best of it when we finally get that date when I can pick him up and we can leave Fort Gordon behind us and look to home, where we will finally be reunited fully and live under the same roof, and go through the same adjustment that every other deployed family has to go through. I wonder if it will be harder for us. This has not been the typical way to do it, and I had a skill set for the other way, but not this way.

While he won't get to come home on the field like the rest of the soldiers, I will still make welcome home signs, and I will still take pictures, and hey, I may even throw him a little "Welcome Home" party, so we can make our own experience.