The End

Tonight is the end of my solo parenting. Tonight is the end of sleeping in my bed alone (kids not counting). Tonight is the end of tucking the girls into bed to sit alone and stay up way too late just to have some quiet time to myself. Tonight is the end of tossing and turning and looking at the clock a million times in the middle of the night missing the comforting presence of my other half on the other side of the bed. Tonight is the end of this deployment and period of separation. Tonight is the end of life as I've known it for the last 11 months. Tonight is the end of a huge era of our lives, and the beginning of a new one.

Reflecting on the last 11 months of my life, and especially the last 5 since Nick was medevaced out of Iraq, well, to be honest, is causing a lot of emotion that I was not expecting. I really haven't taken the time to sit and think about things/feelings/etc at all. I think I've been pretty much on auto pilot and have gotten so accustomed to having curve balls thrown my way, that I haven't really done much reflecting at all. So as I sit and contemplate, the emotions are throwing me off a bit. Perhaps I have kind of kept any emotions shoved way down recently, because I felt the necessity of keeping a clear head.

I am feeling excitement of course, planning on what to wear, what foods to make when he's home, how wonderful it will be to not have to drive 6 hours to bring him home just to drive another 6 hours to leave him again, twice a month. I am feeling relief that I will no longer be the only adult in the house and that I won't have to wing it through the hard things, like ER visits, alone. I am happy, joyful, and ecstatic. We will be a whole family once again.

But I am also feeling anxiousness, and wee bit of trepidation. For those of you not in the military lifestyle, please don't think this makes me a monster. It doesn't. Those who are going through this, or have gone through this before, this will probably sound familiar. I have gotten used to a certain way of doing things, and my way may not be the way "we" did things before, or the way Nick prefers things. Some things have just become a matter of survival, some things let go, new things we have found to help us cope, or just that things have changed for the 5 people in this house over the last year.

Yes, Nick has been home, but it wasn't like he lived here. It is like he was visiting, just a visitor, although a highly regarded one. When he's been home, I often don't even stop to think to ask his help in doing things like getting the girls ready for bed/to go out/with their schoolwork, etc. and often, they don't think to ask him for help. I have joked with friends in the past about how they will walk past Nick who is sitting watching tv to come interrupt me to ask me something. It's a bit different than that. We have become a unit in the last year, and he has not been a part of that. It's not good, bad, or indifferent, it is just what happens during a deployment. I am sure from his perspective, it leaves him feeling a bit out of place.

It's little things, like I have a certain place where I keep things. Those who know both of us know that Nick is quite a bit taller than me. After a long separation, you will come into my house and find everything I use often on a low shelf. He tends to put things up higher. It will be getting used to cooking more food, doing more laundry. It will be getting used to sharing a vehicle. I've been so used to being able to come and go on my schedule, not having to worry about dropping him off or picking him up if I need the van.

This next bit of time is going to be a huge transition for us. Perhaps all the mayhem of the last few months will come in handy as we haven't really had much of a routine with all the back and forth. Now, we will be building a new routine together as a family, which I think will help in this transitional time. It will be different than we are used to after a deployment. Nick's schedule will likely be filled with physical therapy and rehab appointments. And if/when such a time comes when he is able to return to duty, there will be another change then.

Throughout the first 6 months of this deployment, I really felt like it was old hat. I had been through it before, knew that some days would just completely suck and some days would be smooth sailing. I knew at the end, he'd come home, have reintegration training, and then block leave. I knew that there would be a time of adjustment, but this is not ending in any way that I have prior experience with and so this is going to be a huge time of unknowns for us.

To some of you, this might sound over-spiritual, but truly, I know that God is guiding our paths, and that as long as we remain strong in our faith, and in our togetherness as a family, we will make it through this time and this gives me an immense sense of peace. I can relax knowing that my unknowns are known to Him, and that it will all be okay.

So with all these emotions whirling around inside my head, I can just sit back, allow myself to feel them, and then move on with the hope of a brighter tomorrow.