What I Have

Have you ever had something positive that you were counting on, something big, maybe something that a lot was riding on, something that was going to make your life easier, or more comfortable, or something that would be a big solution to some issues in your life, and that thing suddenly doesn't happen? This has happened to me recently. I am not going to go into details, as it's personal, but it is something that has just occurred in my life.

My initial reaction was to feel crushed, devastated, completely and utterly forlorn. I was mourning for the loss, not of what I had, but of what could have been. I saw all my hopes and expectations swirl away so fast it made my head spin. Months of planning and wishing were suddenly fruitless and spoiled. I was mad, angry, upset, felt "cheated" etc. I yelled inside, cried outside, and it was as if a wave of glum just instantly washed over me. Then I stopped.

It struck me, that I was focusing on what I did not have, rather than on what I have. There are a plethora of things I do not have, many not even remotely attainable, but these were things that were attainable, at least in my mind, if only for a time. In doing that, I was forgetting to look at what I do have, and how lucky I am to have even a fraction of that.

I have a wonderful and loving husband. We have a great marriage and relationship. It sounds so trite and cliche to say that I am married to my best friend, but it is completely true. We have great communication. This is not to say that our marriage and relationship are always easy, or always smooth going, but even through the rough spots, we have learned how to bond together to get through them. Funny, when you think of squeezing through a tight space, it would be easier to get through alone, rather than to squeeze two people through together. But it is exactly the opposite. In the rough spots, by holding tight to each other, amazingly, the tight spaces expand and what one person couldn't get through alone, suddenly there is plenty of room to get through side by side.

I have 4 beautiful and amazing children. They are each unique and have such personalities and character and they are funny, touching, caring, compassionate...I really could go on and on here, but I won't, but suffice it to say I am honored to be their mom and they teach me just as much, if not more than, I teach them. We are dealing with some health issues with some of them currently, but I know it could be so much worse.

I have health insurance that covers these medical issues. I don't have to make the decision between paying the electric bill or taking my child or myself to the doctor. I don't have to forego feeding my children healthy foods so that someone in our family can get the medication they need. I can get most medications we need at no or low cost to us.

I have the ability to buy healthy food for our family. We have the ability to buy enough food for our family. Even when times are tighter and we have to bypass something organic or natural for something that will feed all six of us, the fact is that no one in my house goes to bed with an empty belly. No one is truly hungry and not able to instantly remedy the matter with something to put in their stomachs.

I have a roof over our heads. Our house may feel like a tight squeeze most times, and it may have some things that are not aesthetically pleasing, or areas where it could use improving, but it is sturdy, a shelter from the outdoors, has running water and functioning electricity and it is ours. We are able to pay our mortgage every month (even if I sometimes cringe at the amount that goes to just one thing) and we are not even one payment behind. When I see so many in our country that have lost and are losing their homes, being foreclosed on, getting evicted due to the inability to pay rent, I know I am blessed, truly.

I have a running vehicle. It really stinks to be homebound all day during the week while Nick takes the van to work and home. And it equally stinks that if I or one of the girls has an appointment, or if we just want to get out of the house, it entails a carefully synchronized plan of pick ups and drop offs and extra time on the go. It would be so much easier if we could get a second junker car for Nick to be able to get to work and back. But we have a car that runs. We have not always had a car that runs. We have had times in our lives where we had to walk to the store to get food and bring a double stroller and end up carrying kids back with the stroller loaded up with necessities. We have had to bum rides, feeling horrible about inconveniencing others. But we no longer have to depend on someone else, because we have a car.

There are many other things that I have, but I am pretty sure you get my meaning. Even though the situation still stinks, even though I am still a little bit sad, I am stopping myself from wallowing in that, and rather than looking at what I don't have, I am seeing clearly all of the things that I do have, things that many others in our world do without. And I am blessed. And I am thankful.